Review: Tonguetacle By Primal Hardwere

I’ve seen some pretty unusual sex toys in my time, but the Tonguetacle really takes the cake.  But before you say, “A 3ft tongue??! EW!!!” and quickly squick away, just hear me out.  As odd as it sounds (and I truly never thought I’d be saying this!), a massage with the Tonguetalce is actually a very sexy experience.

As odd as it sounds (and I truly never thought I’d be saying this!), a massage with the Tonguetalce is actually a very sexy experience.

It’s a Tongue! It’s a Tentacle! It’s a Tonguetacle!

Now, I’m going to be straight with you. The first time I saw a picture of the Tonguetacle on Primal Hardwere’s site, I completely squicked. I *wanted* to click away and run like hell…and I very nearly did.  But, much like passing an accident on the highway, I just couldn’t stop looking.  A 3ft silicone tongue??! My mind reeled. What on earth would a person even DO with such a thing?

But then something in the description caught my eye. “Imagine the warm soft silky feeling of a tongue wrapped around your member, or gliding along your clit!” I stopped. I blinked. I stared. I mulled it over. Somehow…that sounded like it *could* have some possibilities…maybe. Either way, my curiosity was piqued. I had to try it out.

“Imagine the warm soft silky feeling of a tongue wrapped around your member, or gliding along your clit!”–Primal Hardwere

On the day my package arrived, I knew it was the Tonguetacle before I even opened it. What else would be in a package so small, yet so very heavy? Three feet of silicone weighs more than you’d think. I sat down with my package at the table, drummed my fingers and nervously contemplated the contents. What on earth had I gotten myself into? I took a deep breath. It was time to find out.

Completely Tongue-Tied!

I don’t know what I was expecting when I opened a box containing a 3 ft tentacle tongue. Wet and slimy, maybe? I thought I was prepared for almost anything. Exotic, I expected. Novel, of course. I was ready for something strange or even outright gruesome.

What I was NOT prepared for, however, was to open the box and say to myself, “Oh…woooow….it’s um…….it’s…..it’s actually…kinda…….cute??”

What I was NOT prepared for, however, was to open the box and say to myself, “Oh…woooow….it’s um…….it’s…..it’s actually…kinda…….cute??”

Pleasantly pink and delightfully squishy, the Tonguetacle was not at ALL what I expected. I blinked. I stared. I squished. My heart went pitter-pat. Clearly, this was a very high-quality and well-made toy.

What On Earth Do You DO With a 3ft Silicone Tongue??

My next challenge was figuring out what to do with it. After all, a vagina can only accommodate so much length. But Primal Hardwere’s description gave me a pretty good clue. This was no normal dildo. I needed to get creative.

This was no normal dildo. I needed to get creative.

I filled a tub with hot water and slathered both my whole body and the Tonguetacle down with coconut oil. Now, I don’t like to say too much about my day job on my site, but I will tell you this: I know a little something about massage. If you’ve never given yourself a massage with coconut oil and then gotten into the hot water while you’re still oiled up, you really, really should. The water and the oil are super slick and this makes for the best feeling massage you will ever, ever have in your life. But, I digress.

The great thing about having 3ft in length is that you can reach your entire body head to toe. Silicone stretches, and when you wrap it around an arm or a leg and pull, you can get some surprisingly deep and delicious pressure.

Also, the texture on this toy is pretty amazing. The top side is covered with tiny bumps, and the bottom side has ridges. Both sides feel good against the skin, and they each feel very, very different. For more variety, try using them both.

Silicone stretches, and when you wrap it around an arm or a leg and pull, you can get some surprisingly deep and delicious pressure.

Truthfully, after playing with the Tonguetacle for awhile now, I’m really impressed by all the different things it can do. If you’re creative, there are a million and one ways to use it. Here are a few that I like, just to get you started:

Fun Things to Try That I Really Licked Liked

No matter how great the toy is otherwise, I realize that a 3ft tongue is not likely going to be everybody’s cup of tea. But still, if you can keep an open mind and have fun with it, the Tonguetacle can be a pretty unique, fun, and sexy experience.

The Good

The Bad

Thanks to Primal Hardwere for giving me a Tonguetacle in exchange for my honest review!