Review: Bed Bug Ovipositor by Primal Hardwere

A glow-in-the-dark dildo that ejaculates homemade gelatin eggs? Well….OK, why not?!  After my previous experience with Primal Hardwere’s Tonguetacle, I was ready for anything!

An Ovi-Whatsit..er?

Ovipositors are novel, exotic and highly unusual toys.  The name “ovipositor” may sound like some sort of dry,  clinical fertility aid….but I assure you it is NOT.

Just what exactly IS an ovipositor? This tweet from a follower hits a bit closer to the mark:

@Curious_Kitt @TrySexuals @Red_Divine It’s a radioactive larval cocoon!

— sub (@Sum1Sub) June 29, 2016

To put it simply: ovipositors are dildos that ejaculate eggs into the orifice of your choice.  Now why, you may ask, would anyone want to squeeze gelatin-ish eggs into one of their various sweet spots?  Because it’s FUN. 😉

To put it simply: ovipositors are dildos that ejaculate eggs into the orifice of your choice.

Seriously, there is no other sensation out there quite like feeling the bulge of an egg stretching through the shaft and being squeezed out into your body.  If you like the sensation of being filled, chances are good that you will really dig what this dildo does.

If you’re curious about how an ovipositor actually works, a written description will only take you so far.  This video from Primal Hardwere lets you watch the Bed Bug in action. You can also see how the egg insertion tool works (more on that later).

Another thing I love about my Bed Bug are the colors.  Primal Hardwere has a good selection of stock colors to choose from on their website.  As for me, I have a real thing for glow-in-the dark toys.  I mean, don’t get me wrong!  I adore the combination of a neon green shaft and a swirled brown base.  But put it in the dark?  Hooo boy!!  That baby glows bright green.

A Bit of Eggs-tra Work, But Well Worth It!

One of the things you will notice about your ovipositor when it arrives is that it comes with a mold for making your own eggs.  Generally these eggs are made out of gelatin.  There are vegan and non-perishable alternatives out there, and I’ll talk more about those in a bit.   

When you’re making eggs, there are a couple of things to keep in mind.  Adding the eggs increases the girth of this already girthy (2″) toy.  If you want an easy way to make your eggs a bit smaller, here’s a tip I learned from my friends Max and Lilly at Carnal Chamelon : if your egg molds are too large for your taste, you may want to try shaving the eggs down a bit with a knife.  

You may also want to think about buying Primal Hardwere’s Egg Insertion Tool.  You don’t absolutely *need* it in order to use the ovipositor, but it can make it a bit easier to get the eggs to slide down the shaft.

So how do you make the eggs?  The process is actually pretty easy.  First, you’ll need to decide whether you’d like to use gelatin, or a gelatin alternative (see suggestions below).  Primal Hardwere recommends that you use 3 oz (85g) of UNFLAVORED gelatin powder (or vegan substitute) and 1.5 c of water.  

Next you’ll want to watch this video from Primal Hardwere that shows you how to make the eggs, step-by-step.  I have also tweeted out pictures of the process as I made my eggs under the hashtag #veganEggsperiment if you’d like to see how mine turned out.

Are There Alternatives to Gelatin Eggs?

For one reason or another, you might not want to use gelatin for your eggs.  Having been a vegan since 2011 and a vegetarian since 2005, frankly I don’t find the idea of gelatin (made from the collagen in pig skin) to be all that appetizing.  Lucky for me, there are some other decent options out there.  

Agar: Vegan alternative to gelatin, made from algae. ANAL SAFE

If you’re looking for a vegan alternative to regular gelatin, agar is one of the best.  Keep in mind that you may have to add a bit more water if the mixture gets too thick. 

Be sure to shop around!  When I checked my local health food store, the agar there was $33+ for an amount that would have made less than one full batch.  I found enough agar powder on amazon to make a full batch (and then some) for under $13.

If you want to see how my agar eggs turned out, as well as step-by-step pics of the process of making these eggs, be sure to check out my tweets with the hashtag #veganEggsperiment.

BaKol Jel: Vegan alternative to gelatin, ANAL SAFE

I found this BaKol Jel at Whole Foods.  You’ll need about 6 boxes or so to make a full batch.  The eggs turn out every bit as well as agar or gelatin. 

Here are the finished eggs, all ready for testing. Gotta try em out now! You know, for science 🙂 #veganEggsperiment pic.twitter.com/8RVGeHYoSo

— Kitt (@Curious_Kitt) July 23, 2016

Non-perishable Egg Alternatives

I really enjoy using my ovipositor, but sometimes I just don’t have a batch of eggs all made up and ready in the fridge.  At best, gelatin/alternative eggs only last a couple of days in the fridge anyway.  But don’t despair!  There are ways around this.  Here are a couple of ideas for non-perishable eggs you can use that are good to go anytime the mood strikes.

Stone Yoni/Kegel Eggs:  Stone yoni eggs like this one are one of my favorite egg alternatives for a couple of reasons.  Unlike silicone eggs, they’re slick and smooth so they don’t stick to the inside of the ovipositor as much as silicone eggs do.  They’re also smaller than most silicone eggs and they don’t add much girth to the toy. NOT RECOMMENDED FOR ANAL USE!!

Silicone eggs: I poured my own silicone eggs just for fun, but you can buy them pre-made from quite a few good fantasy toy companies.  Silicone eggs DO work, but they are very grabby on the inside of the ovipositor and don’t work nearly as well as gelatin/agar eggs.  NOT RECOMMENDED FOR ANAL USE!!

One More Thing…

Don’t forget! You can also hear me talk more about the Bed Bug, ovipositors, and the #veganEggsperiment on Episodes #1 and #2 of the TrySexuals podcast I co-host with my good friends Max & Lilly from Carnal Chameleon.

Uh…..Note to self: unflavored gelatin alternative tastes like shit. Don’t lick the spoon. #veganEggsperiment pic.twitter.com/g9aYUZbIXd

— Kitt (@Curious_Kitt) July 9, 2016

The Specs

• total height: 6.75″ (17cm)
• useable length: 5.5″ (14cm)
• diameter: 2″(5cm)” (without eggs in it)
• shaft circumference: 6.125″(15.5cm)

The Good

The Bad

Thanks to Primal Hardwere for giving me the Bed Bug in exchange for my honest review.